What If Every Industry Recruited Like Online Marketing?

Below is a guest post from the one and only Joel Klettke or, as you lady’s may know him the best looking man in the world. Joel is (in my opinion) one of the best writers in the industry right now, always funny, direct and above all honest….enjoy..

From ridiculous job titles to insane experience requirements, almost no other industry has job postings more entertaining to read or patently absurd than online marketing.

We as an industry can’t seem to decide whether we want to call employees “inbound marketers”, “SEO’s”, “earned media acquisition specialists”, “Fancy, prancy magic men” or any other string of bizarre descriptors. Then there are the pandering job descriptions, designed to make every company sound “fun” & “edgy” as though including the fact that you have beer on Fridays sings the siren song of “incredible company culture!” – and let us not forget the “DO EVERYTHING!” positions we all covet so badly.

After flipping through dozens of job ads in the past few days, I began to wonder – what if other industries adopted the self-depreciating absurdities we’ve managed to perfect?

1. Bonnybrook Middle School is hiring a Scrubbing Evangelist!

Does the thought of getting elbows-deep in sudsy mop water get your juices pumping? Are you a sanitary superhero hell bent on stopping violent grime? Did you shave your head as a child just to look more like your idol, Mr. Clean!? Have we got a once in a lifetime opportunity for you!

Bonnybrook Middle School is looking for the ultimate clean freak to join our dynamic, multi-cultural maintenance team (…)


2. St. Mary’s Hospital is hiring a Surgeon/Bookkeeping Wizard!

You love to cut people open – it’s been a passion since you were a child. Coincidentally, you hate nothing more than ledgers that bleed red! Now it’s time to put both of those loves to work! St. Mary’s is seeking a multi-talented surgeon and bookkeeper willing to roll up their sleeves and get the job done.

If you’re magic with a scalpel and won’t let our numbers die on the table, we want YOU!

The ideal candidate will:

  • Be responsible for performing routine brain surgeries
  • Act tough on wasteful spending; have an empathetic patient demeanor
  • Bring meaningful experience with open heart procedures to the team
  • Contribute to our growing plastic surgery offerings including but not limited to: Rhinoplasty, bust enhancement, facial reconstructions, liposuction
  • Deep knowledge of QuikBooks, Microsoft Office Suite imperative
  • Demonstrated experience in the separation of Siamese twins cojoined at the head will get you to the top of the list!

3. YellowPages seeks Mail Room Jedi

In a galaxy not so far away – a job opportunity so incredible, you’d swear it was (science) fiction! YellowPages is seeking someone strong with the organizational force to help us lick, stamp and sort our way to defeating the dark side!

While we won’t ask you to levitate stacks of letters with your mind, you’ll be responsible for racing through piles of incoming mail faster than an X-Wing in a space minefield. It’s not all fun and games – we need more than a Jar-Jar Binks –we need someone who will do or do not, there is no “try”.

Help us Mail Room Associate, you’re our only hope!

Qualifications:

  • Wet tongue admirable, as is keen attention to detail

4. McDonald’s is hiring a Client Needs Assessment & Service Delivery Associate

McDonald’s seeks passionate team players to act as our first points of customer contact in a fast-paced environment. You will be required to listen carefully to customer demands, input this information into our service tills and ultimately deliver the end product to our clients in a polite and timely manner.

Requirements:

  • 10+ years in a customer service role; food industry experience will be given preference
  • Experience in handling large sums of money; familiarity with modern investment banking techniques a plus
  • A keen memory is tantamount. You will be expected to remember to ask “Coke to drink?” and “Would you like fries with that?” while also maintaining a working memory of the customer’s order.

[tweet https://twitter.com/ianhowells/status/231097311722369024]


5. Yahoo is hiring a War-Ready Organizational Sherpa

Does the thought of working for an eternal underdog fire up your loins? Do you jump out of bed every morning thinking to yourself, “I can’t wait to bail out a hopeless business today!?” If you love to chew ass and kick bubblegum, well, we can’t afford any more bubblegum.

Yahoo is looking for our next compadre-in-command. As the CEO (or as we prefer, Chief EXCITEMENT Officer), you’ll have the unenviable job of trying to turn a massive barge around with a canoe paddle.

Salary dependent on how easy we think it will be to scapegoat you when this kamikaze mission finally ends in blazes of glory.


6. Digital Agency With “Click/Web/Rank” In The Name is hiring for Incredibly Vague Position!

Can you relentlessly bash a keyword for hours and hours on end? Got a passion for sitting in a chair, basking in the glow of a monitor, tweeting while listening to German house music?

Do you have an over-inflated sense of self-importance that you can spin into countless blog posts?! Are you a grand dragon master of all things internet?

Join our small team of entrepreneurial-minded ninjas! We’re not like other digital agencies because we’re small and fun and like beer and respect you as a person! You’ll do some paid stuff! And some link building! You might audit a site or something, we’re not entirely sure!

SWEET MERCY: We have a Foosball table AND a Playstation!!! WORK/LIFE BALANCE! CEO’S MOM MAKES US BROWNBAG LUNCHES! WORK IN A CONDO!

- Compensation: $26,500 a year. No benefits.

Comments

  1. Funny article Gaz, I must say it’s the third such article I have read in a week, but that must signal that many in the Industry are feeling the same way. I asked Alessio Madeyski what he thought about these so called SEO Rockstars, a couple of weeks ago. He said he didn’t want to associate with anyone who thought themselves as such. My persoinal feeling on these matters is that agencies of course write absurd descriptions, yes. However hey are bound to do it.

    You wouldn’t write:

    Are you a one trick pony, apply for this job, we’ll pay you over the odds.

    Of course not, you ask for a God, someone who is so supremely confident in their abilities that they will be able to adapt to any task you throw at them.

    Agencies know they won’t get a God, but they will get someone who is confident enough to fight the Gods, someone who believes that they truly can make the difference.

    For job seekers though, I’ll admit that such ads can be off putting. The number of jobs I have pessimistically applied for knowing that I didn’t actually have all the skills they were asking for only to be turned down because the agency placed more weight on one skill than another without really specifying that in the advert.

    David Cohen wrote the one that made nod in agreement http://davidmcohen.com/why-marketers-should-be-seo-ppc-coding-and-copywriting-guru-ninjas/

    Also Koozai had this article, taking the “same tack different track”
    http://www.koozai.com/blog/search-marketing/calling-all-wannabe-seo-rockstars-leave-it-to-the-pros/

    For me though the problem lies in the way that we as SEOers pass on the love. Sometimes we raise certain individuals or agencies up on high, as though they have all the answers. The truth is they don’t. No one agency has all the answers. Otherwise it would be impossible to achieve good results.

    Certain agencies present themselves so well, so slickly that they appear to be flawless. Truth is they are just human beings struggling along like the rest of us. They are more than likely Geeks too, hiding behind a nicely photoshopped profile pic. We can all roll out the silver tongued bullshit but at the end of the day it’s actual results and real customer experience that counts to the man in the street.

    The vast majority of us deal with small companies with small budgets. No multinationals. So If you can promote a small town company to a strong position in the search engines, get them writing good product descriptions with social media integration, then you are more of a Rockstar to me than someone who helped COKE sell 50,00 bottles or get a million friends on Facebook.

  2. Well done on working in Sherpa, a timeless descriptor. After reading this I’m wondering if the clients of these online marketing agencies ever look at their job postings? Maybe if companies took a deeper look at the way agencies presented themselves, they’d reconsider using their services. If an agency doesn’t respect their own brand, why would they respect any other brand?

    Great post, Joel and thank you and Gaz for the link, appreciate it.

  3. LOL, Nice post Gaz! It is really easy to identify yourselve with it as an SEO.

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