Below is a guest post from the one and only Joel Klettke or, as you lady’s may know him the best looking man in the world. Joel is (in my opinion) one of the best writers in the industry right now, always funny, direct and above all honest….enjoy..
From ridiculous job titles to insane experience requirements, almost no other industry has job postings more entertaining to read or patently absurd than online marketing.
We as an industry can’t seem to decide whether we want to call employees “inbound marketers”, “SEO’s”, “earned media acquisition specialists”, “Fancy, prancy magic men” or any other string of bizarre descriptors. Then there are the pandering job descriptions, designed to make every company sound “fun” & “edgy” as though including the fact that you have beer on Fridays sings the siren song of “incredible company culture!” – and let us not forget the “DO EVERYTHING!” positions we all covet so badly.
After flipping through dozens of job ads in the past few days, I began to wonder – what if other industries adopted the self-depreciating absurdities we’ve managed to perfect?
1. Bonnybrook Middle School is hiring a Scrubbing Evangelist!
Does the thought of getting elbows-deep in sudsy mop water get your juices pumping? Are you a sanitary superhero hell bent on stopping violent grime? Did you shave your head as a child just to look more like your idol, Mr. Clean!? Have we got a once in a lifetime opportunity for you!
Bonnybrook Middle School is looking for the ultimate clean freak to join our dynamic, multi-cultural maintenance team (…)
2. St. Mary’s Hospital is hiring a Surgeon/Bookkeeping Wizard!
You love to cut people open – it’s been a passion since you were a child. Coincidentally, you hate nothing more than ledgers that bleed red! Now it’s time to put both of those loves to work! St. Mary’s is seeking a multi-talented surgeon and bookkeeper willing to roll up their sleeves and get the job done.
If you’re magic with a scalpel and won’t let our numbers die on the table, we want YOU!
The ideal candidate will:
- Be responsible for performing routine brain surgeries
- Act tough on wasteful spending; have an empathetic patient demeanor
- Bring meaningful experience with open heart procedures to the team
- Contribute to our growing plastic surgery offerings including but not limited to: Rhinoplasty, bust enhancement, facial reconstructions, liposuction
- Deep knowledge of QuikBooks, Microsoft Office Suite imperative
- Demonstrated experience in the separation of Siamese twins cojoined at the head will get you to the top of the list!
3. YellowPages seeks Mail Room Jedi
In a galaxy not so far away – a job opportunity so incredible, you’d swear it was (science) fiction! YellowPages is seeking someone strong with the organizational force to help us lick, stamp and sort our way to defeating the dark side!
While we won’t ask you to levitate stacks of letters with your mind, you’ll be responsible for racing through piles of incoming mail faster than an X-Wing in a space minefield. It’s not all fun and games – we need more than a Jar-Jar Binks –we need someone who will do or do not, there is no “try”.
Help us Mail Room Associate, you’re our only hope!
- Wet tongue admirable, as is keen attention to detail
4. McDonald’s is hiring a Client Needs Assessment & Service Delivery Associate
McDonald’s seeks passionate team players to act as our first points of customer contact in a fast-paced environment. You will be required to listen carefully to customer demands, input this information into our service tills and ultimately deliver the end product to our clients in a polite and timely manner.
- 10+ years in a customer service role; food industry experience will be given preference
- Experience in handling large sums of money; familiarity with modern investment banking techniques a plus
- A keen memory is tantamount. You will be expected to remember to ask “Coke to drink?” and “Would you like fries with that?” while also maintaining a working memory of the customer’s order.
5. Yahoo is hiring a War-Ready Organizational Sherpa
Does the thought of working for an eternal underdog fire up your loins? Do you jump out of bed every morning thinking to yourself, “I can’t wait to bail out a hopeless business today!?” If you love to chew ass and kick bubblegum, well, we can’t afford any more bubblegum.
Yahoo is looking for our next compadre-in-command. As the CEO (or as we prefer, Chief EXCITEMENT Officer), you’ll have the unenviable job of trying to turn a massive barge around with a canoe paddle.
Salary dependent on how easy we think it will be to scapegoat you when this kamikaze mission finally ends in blazes of glory.
6. Digital Agency With “Click/Web/Rank” In The Name is hiring for Incredibly Vague Position!
Can you relentlessly bash a keyword for hours and hours on end? Got a passion for sitting in a chair, basking in the glow of a monitor, tweeting while listening to German house music?
Do you have an over-inflated sense of self-importance that you can spin into countless blog posts?! Are you a grand dragon master of all things internet?
Join our small team of entrepreneurial-minded ninjas! We’re not like other digital agencies because we’re small and fun and like beer and respect you as a person! You’ll do some paid stuff! And some link building! You might audit a site or something, we’re not entirely sure!
SWEET MERCY: We have a Foosball table AND a Playstation!!! WORK/LIFE BALANCE! CEO’S MOM MAKES US BROWNBAG LUNCHES! WORK IN A CONDO!
- Compensation: $26,500 a year. No benefits.